25/8/15
All right stop, collaborate and listen, The Truth Bar is back with an important question....
Is Vanilla Ice actually a white man?
First Rachel Dolezal, then Sean King. As each day passes, more and more prominent figures in the black rights movement are being outed as white. Through some impressive work by the good people at Breitbart News, birth certificates and police reports are being dug up that are entirely at odds with the apparently racially-fluid activist's own accounts.
This has encouraged The Truth Bar to gather information on other important figures in the black community. And who more important than loveable 90's rapper with the quiff that won't quit Vanilla Ice? Early on in our investigation into the black icon's history, we noticed some alarming similarities with Dolezal and King's embarrassing exposé...
All 3 mention not knowing who their fathers are, a convenient and flagrantly racist allusion to black single motherhood. All 3 use primarily black and white photographs on their Instagram accounts, either to mask their milky, privileged skin tones or as a bigoted nod to black social immobility by implying African Americans can't afford modern cameras. For impact, I'm siding with the latter. Basically, all 3 are liars.
Turning our focus back to Ice, real name Robert Matthew Van Winkle, there are some additional racial red flags more specific to his own tale. For an interior view, I sought out a man claiming to be an old acquaintance of Van Winkle.
I arrange to meet "Sir Clips-A-Lot", who apparently performed with Ice at the City Lights dancehall on the Florida breakdancing scene. We meet at Dishny, an Indian restaurant on Miami beach.
Clips-A-Lot, real name Gregg, appears to have been at Dishny for some time, or perhaps has never left. I find my source knocking back shots of the mint and yoghurt sauce normally served with poppadoms. "Good for the skin", he says, noticing my furtive glance at the growing stack of glasses on the table. His complexion was excellent...Unperturbed and with full confidence in my source intact, I shake his hand and sit down...
Gregg tells me Van Winkle, at the height of his fame, kept an amount of unusual pets. Most notably a goat called Pancho, which he loved dearly. That's pretty much all Gregg had. But it got me thinking; this goat lived a long and happy life and was never made into goat curry, a move totally at odds with black culture. So by buying the goat but not making it into a delicious soul-food meal for friends and family, Van Winkle only managed half the necessary cultural appropriation to pull off his deception. Lazy.
In light of these of these revelations, The Truth Bar is offering Van Winkle $25,000 to prove his blackness by way off a DNA test. A refusal or non-reply to our proposal will surely put this story to bed.
Charles Worrall
