24/07/2015
‘Hail
Hitler’- The New Terrorism of Meteorology
“Fuck This”. I don’t want to get on a
hot metal rocket full of racists and their ugly children every morning. A
windowless cage of metal and plastic, humming below West London, packed to the
glass with wide wingspans and high BMI indexes. If it wasn’t bad enough, I’m
wearing flip-flops.
“My fucking foot, you massive prick,
get off my fucking foot”, I scream silently. I wore them because it was
supposed to be hot, boiling, scorching, “A belly roaster”. At this point all I
can think about is the forecast, a logical extension of humanities desire to
plan accordingly. I’m not asking for a pre-cognitive weatherman (woman are
unfit to report the weather due to their emotional attachment to children,
cleaning and joining Isis[i]), I just want some opinion
pieces, a personal touch;
“It’s going to be pretty warm on Friday,
you might want to give your wife a spray with the hose come the evening”
“Don’t lock your toddlers or the
elderly in boot on Thursday, it’s going to get too hot for them to survive”
“Tell John from accounts he isn’t getting
that tenner back, you’re going to need that money to get shitfaced; You’re
snowed in”
“Having a wedding? You’re fucked”
Information like that is paramount.
Imagine every day, instead of some slick-headed little spit-fuck playing out a
Greek Tragedy in emojis, some actual advice.
The Weatherman for me now represents a
new branch of fundamentalist terrorism, as he sits in his gilded cave in front
of a green sheet, spouting vitriolic, offensive, red-hot propaganda. Imagine
everyone had turned up to work on September 11th in flip flops. Now
that would have been a fucking disaster.
Sam Barron
